" SILENT SEMESTER "

By Derrick Obiye Mokaya

I’ve often wondered how did I end up in ‘this’ campus life often romanticized as a time of exploration. Yet beneath the surface of packed lecture halls, bustling hostels and vibrant social gatherings lies a silent struggle faced by the dying soul out of depression. Juggling the academic pressure, financial strain, social expectations and the quest for self-identity has taken a toll on my mental health living my mind grappling with isolation and hopelessness. All the mind torture makes it a living hell around the campus but I have to hide it and act strong.

The weight of notebooks now feels heavier than usual each page a blurry testament to a semester spiraling out of control. Once vibrant campus pathways now seem to stretch into an endless gray horizon. The laughter from the hostel rooms echoes like a distant foreign language a stark of contrast to the suffocating silence that has already settled within. I feel my heart is so torn, its not that easy for an overthinker in this, sleepless nights wondering when this comes to an end. The agonizing pain seems to build more and more its really hard to take more.

Every assignment, every lecture, every social interaction has become a monumental task a battle against the unseen force that has taken a deep root. The once-bright student eager to embrace the campus experience now has found himself adrift in a sea of overwhelming sadness struggling to keep my head over the rising tide of depression. Am now considering myself as a failure, my grades can’t be something to boast for or even utter in public or to my parents as it used to be. Priorities change, even what I considered to be a treasure unfortunately does not matter anymore. Am even beginning to wonder was it really worth it?

How I wish I can go back and take everything in place for the comfort of my peace. I didn`t know that signing up for love is what was going to be the reason for this downfall. My innocence now has turned into a huge responsibility am not sure to say as a father, but how? Am still in my realization finding who I am yet someone calls me a dad! Seems I forgot to turn on the back page and read the consequences I may face for my deeds only to live with the and haunt me all through.

What can be worse than a trap I built not knowing not knowing it will come back and lure me back in. Now I carry a heavy chest of a parent of which my own don’t recognize. The courage and the voice to tell them and see the disappointment in their faces is what am always afraid of. The son they thought would be an intellect and be the family savior has turned the back against them, no... a voice keeps telling me let them have the same perception of the innocent, sweet and charming son they sent to claim knowledge and be the brainpower to solving family crisis. How do I save myself from this, the financial struggle is killing me making me dead and walking at once. I have tried all possible ways to find extra cash to save my financial crisis now it feels like having money matters more than acquiring best grades to save my career.

All this time I feel terrible being a liar to my parents on my responsibilities and my general well-being. all I do is wear a smile hidden with discomfort and cries tearing my heart to make it look usual for them as if things are all good while am capsizing in thoughts and unanswered fictions.

It’s not that I haven’t tried coming up with solutions but none of them seems to be of any help, even thought drinking would be of help but came to realize it was just a one timely gesture of happiness and afterwards I was back in the same tar pit I was. I wouldn’t say how many times I have wished to vanish and never be found but also considered the pain it may cause to those who care.

As hard as I would tell am not sure its worth to fight hard for a life that can end any time soon. It has been a heel of a semester how I wish it comes to an end and save my drowning soul. Some extra energy to grasp more breath, sparks of hope and redemption are still on the right part of my heart that drives me to push more harder maybe someday I might get the joy I have craved for many days.